A Blog of Epic Proportions

‘Tis the season to be. . .fighting the culture war.

So it’s that season again. The season of giving, the season of love, the season of family. . .and the season of WAR.

Gear up, guys and gals. Don we now our gay battle (“gay” was added in later as part of the liberal-homosexual agenda, I heard that somewhere) apparel, because shit is about to get serious.

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s a war on Christmas – A war on all that is good and holy. The fake Americans are waging it, and they must be stopped. Did you know that Christian folks are feeling some pressure to not say Merry Christmas to everyone they see, lest they say it to someone who doesn’t share their religious values or holiday traditions? Now, the polite thing to do is say “Happy Holidays”. What the fuck is that shit, right? Pfft. Happy Holidays doesn’t explicitly say “Christmas”, which means it’s oppressing Christians, and you know what? Christians just shouldn’t stand for that. It’s time for a liberation of the Christians of America.

Just today, as I was taking a shitty video camera back to Target, I saw a brave warrior in this ongoing struggle for Christian liberation from an enemy known as “political correctness”. The man in front of me decided to really put himself out there as he bravely told the customer service gal Merry Christmas “even though he’s not supposed to”. His deviation from social norms was so admirable. I thought about this massive rebellion all the way home as I listened to non-stop Christmas music on a major radio station.

I want all of us to take a moment to think about the true meaning of the month of December. While doing this, I want you to remember where we (presumably) are. We are in the United States of America, and in the United States of America, we have freedom. That means that we have the freedom to wish you a Merry Christmas whether you like it or not, and we have the right to be free from your complaining about your little holidays not having equal representation. It also means we should be free to put Christmas trees wherever we damn well please, including in banks. You know why? Because that’s how Jesus would have wanted it. He thinks it’s bitchin’ when people put religion and money together, and what’s bitchin’ for Jesus is bitchin’ for everybody.

Still thinking? I hope so, since it’s also important in this ever-Christmas-hating time to remember that the United States is a Christian Nation, and that the majority always has the right to make the minority submit to its will. If that means putting “The Christmas Shoes” on repeat in every grocery store and Glenn Beck’s “The Christmas Sweater” on every shelf (and in every home, preferably), so be it. This is a war zone, man, and your little liberal feelings are about to have some hurting heaped on them in the name of the Lord.

We have decided that having 24-hour Christmas music stations, Christmas Lifetime movies, Santa Claus in every mall, and every right to wish someone a Merry Christmas OR Happy Holidays whenever we want to without threat of arrest is just not cutting it anymore, and we’re taking a slice of the pie which is rightfully ours. It’s a turning point in the war on the war on Christmas, and we’re going to take our country back from those that would see it’s constitutionally protected freedom from religion upheld.

So folks, this holiday Christmas season, remember what this time of year is all about: Love and giving Making sure your religious preference is still the dominant one. Join the war on the war on Christmas, and help us win our God-given (YEAH THAT’S RIGHT I SAID GOD) rights back from those people that are wrong enough to not celebrate Christmas and think that they can have that wrong decision validated by secular institutions. Help us to restore righteousness back to this country, and remember, if you don’t look like this, you’re doin’ it wrong.


One response

  1. I’m waiting for the cashiers at Target to tell me they love me. “Thanks for shopping at Target. I love you.” We need to start cheapening that phrase for once.

    December 18, 2010 at 11:14 pm

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